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The most poignant casualties on the journey through addiction and recovery are children and grandchildren who have been emotionally and/or physically abused, neglected, and over all made to feel “less than” their peers who appear to hail from “normal” homes of love and acceptance and home-made cookies after school with an icy glass of milk.
Estrangement from parents can happen within the home, if children are forced to leave home for safety or well-being, or in adulthood where there is no longer a nuclear family context, only a vacant spot of what-might-have-been.
Twelve-Step literature is replete with accounts of twisted, stunted and mangled souls who somehow emerged from an alcoholic family system as upright and breathing adults. I am continually amazed when I hear these people talk at an Al-Anon Family all who attend have been affected by the drinking of a relative or friend.
How did they get through it? And how, in some cases, have they managed to forge a relationship with their parents? A good 12-Step program shows us the way.
Al-Ateen offers that lifeline for children and grandchildren, generally between 13 and 19 years of age who are impacted by drinking in their families at close range or from a distance. That young people can manage to live with the active addiction of those responsible for their care is a miracle in action. That the rift can be healed that grows between children and addictive parents shifts the axis of the earth.
I was privileged to witness this recently, a teenager who had not seen one of her parents 9 years, since before she entered first grade. The custodial parent forbid communication between them until the addict was in recovery, working, and had a place to live — i.e. be on a tangible path of recovery. (Amen to that!). Having been in a similar situation myself with a father I had not seen for 19 years (addicted to a quasi-religion), I offered my perspective. After fumbling at trying to bridge the chasm with what-happened-when, we relaxed into being together. The OMG-I can’t-believe-this-is-happening factor melted, and we went from there. Being in the moment worked.
This young person, who in nine years had grown from a little girl into well-formed adolescence, remained present. The parents remained present. What transpired was a family visit. Afterwards, a no longer estranged parent and child joined other family members for an afternoon of rides and carnival games at the State Fair.
I discuss some of the ramifications of family, specifically talking with children, in Chapter 3, “Whodda’ Thought?” of IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU — EXCEPT WHEN IT IS. First and foremost, children need to know that the addiction within their family is not their fault. Period. This alone sets a foundation for the healing process. A good Al-Ateen group can help a young person understand this as no other resource can, and the multitude of dynamics that they live with every day.
Young people, GET THEE TO A SUPPORT GROUP! Parents, grandparents, let them know that Al-Ateen and other groups are available and where to find them!
On a beautiful summer day, I watched three family members come together in present time. As simple as that. And the earth moved. A fault line had shifted into place.
There is a great line in THE PRINCE OF TIDES by Pat Conroy that I have no doubt mentioned before, but bears repeating, “In families, there are no crimes beyond forgiveness.” Boy Howdy!
Bless.
This blog was written by Barbara Victoria, author of the book, It’s Not About You, Except When It Is – A Field Manual for Parents of Addicted Children
